How Well Can You Lie?

Dogs are eating a lot of homework these days and companies have suddenly started to hold their meetings mostly after midnight. And the lipstick smudge on your guy’s shirt, he was waiting in the queue at the bank and a lady who was standing beside him tripped on her stilettos and fell. He was helping her get back on her feet when her freshly painted lips landed so squarely on his left shoulder.

White lies, or Terminological Inexactitudes as some may call them are a necessary tool for social survival. That’s why you told that guy you’d call him and yet you knew only too well that you would not. That’s the same reason why someone told that lady she’s nice and shapely while even she knows that the truth is the opposite. The convenience of telling a lie to escape bad situations is just too tempting and people are using that to the maximum. And what’s more, we get better at lying as we age. How well an individual can lie depends on his/her imagination and ingenuity and some people have made it a fine art.

Lying is obviously no small deal. Scientists are spending more and more time and money inventing and perfecting lie detector machines to analyze pupil dilation, eye movements, voice pitch change and blood pressure among other things. But all these are not helping the layman much. We can’t hook our friends, spouses and children to lie detector machines every time we talk to them. But we can match wits with the finest lie detector machines if we try. There are many human ways of knowing when someone is playing little games on you.

There are the obvious signs like suddenly developing an itch on the chin, placing the hand on the mouth while talking, being evasive, being over emphatic and going on the defensive. The liar will tend to overact, knit his/her brows and be overly animated. Or if he/she is holding onto something like a door knob or phone, they will hold it so tight the knuckles turn white. Maybe that’s why my pastor grabs the podium so hard when he’s telling the congregation how much more money the new church will require to be completed. Or why the public address system we contributed money for months ago is not yet here.

These methods are not fool proof though. There are people who are just naturally nervous, fidgety and shifty regardless of whether they’re speaking the truth or lying.

Still there are some tough cookies who will deliberately look at you in the eye and drop a white one without even flinching. Some criminals have even been known to lie right through the lie detector machines. It seems lying, like any other art can be perfected.

Cosmetic Surgery Enthusiast Jocelyn Wildenstein Before And After

Cosmetic Surgery enthusiast Jocelyne Wildenstein as she looked before surgery. She also has a few tips for anyone wishing to get a nip here and a tuck there.

Extreme Makeover - Beauty The Jocelyn Wildenstein Style

As we count Kenya’s land owners, meet feline beauty extraordinaire Jocelyn Wildenstein who together with her former Billionaire husband Alec Wildenstein owned and managed the expansive 67,000 acre Ol Jogi ranch in Laikipia before they were divorced in 2000. She and Alec refined the ranch by building 120 miles of road, 55 artificial lakes, a swimming pool with rocks and waterfalls, a golf course, a racetrack, and a tennis court among others - all maintained by an army of 366 servants.

Land issues aside, the 1940 born Jocelyn is a skilled hunter and a trained pilot. Alec Wildenstein, who recently died of Cancer, loved jungle cats more than anything else in the world and feeling a little ignored, Jocelyn began to get somewhat jealous. Aside from decorating all their houses in cat skins and prints, she approached a renowned plastic surgeon with a rather unusual request. She wanted to be transformed into one of the giant cats that her then husband loved so much. She chose to have her pigment darkened and her eyes reconstructed and pulled back for that cat-like look. After countless surgeries, numerous facelifts and silicone injections, her skin was stretched so tightly over her face that she could scarcely blink, and her lips were so stuffed with collagen they looked and felt like rubber. The original Jocelyn disappeared and The Queen of the Jungle was born. She embarked on all these surgeries at 50yrs of age and spent in excess of US$4 Million over the years, bankrolled by her now late husband Alec. It is said that her surgeon has since lost several prospective clients due to her looks. At one time clients scampered out of the surgeon's waiting room when she walked in.

What Jocelyn may not have realized as she was formulating her audacious plan was that her husband loved cats as cats and not as a wife. The first time he saw his new wife he screamed. He later admitted during divorce proceedings that he could not recognize her up close. Who could blame him? He ran straight into the arms of a 19 year old Russian Model. He blamed the affair on his wife’s startling new look. That was just an excuse but then again maybe he was genuinely freaked out by her looks.

Beauty indeed lies in the eyes of the beholder. Jocelyn soon found love again, her new face notwithstanding.

A Giraffe And A Blessing In Your In-box

We’ve all seen them. Chinese mantras, religious novenas, endless power-point presentations and inspirational e-mails that threaten dire consequences if you don’t forward to friends. Some of these take ages to download. The instructions usually are clear – send to people you care about, including the sender. The idea is to form a long chain of friends and so if you’re not in any chain then you know you’re a cold heartless newt with no friends in the whole wide world.

When they’re not threatening some calamity on you within 96 hours, they’re taking you on guilt trips. How do you live with yourself, going on with your life as usual while countless children are suffering in Cambodia? You will always know these ones from the headings. “If you don’t forward this you have no heart”. “If you can’t forward then at least don’t delete”. They will have gory pictures of car accidents and fellow humans ravaged by the effects of hunger, war and disease. To the sick and the suffering I speak for many when I say we are sorry. We envision your suffering. We truly are sympathetic and we pray for God to deliver his people. But we shall not pray under duress! With apologies to my God fearing brothers and sisters, let me tear into those religious ones. For one the God you seek to promote is not happy with you for jamming cyber space, not to mention people’s in-boxes. There’s time for everything and most people send and receive E-mails in the morning. The religious mails will usually ask for a prayer. Yet even the staunchest of you do not get down on your knees first thing Monday morning to intervene for the world. So please don’t make us feel guilty for not doing so.

Others will test your IQ with a series of silly questions at the end of which they will declare in sugar coated words that you’re not very clever after all. For example how do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?

Personally I appreciate a good joke once in a while but many people hate getting junk e-mails. No matter how funny, cute or inspiring an e-mail might be, some people don't like having an in-box littered with jokes and hoaxes. Sending e-mail junk to people who haven't requested it can cause loss of friendship, profane e-mail responses, and ostracism. Generally, it annoys the hell out of people. So think a minute or two before clicking that send button – and especially if you’re sending to a company address. For those who don’t like these mails, you can write a polite e-mail and ask your friends to keep the cute fluffy puppies to themselves. Of course you run the risk of having your address completely purged from their address books. For those who send them, make sure the person you’re sending to will appreciate your mail.

The giraffe. You open the fridge, put in the giraffe and close the door. I told you they’re silly!

The Forgotten Frontier That Is Northern Kenya

In a country where subsequent governments alienate whole provinces for over 4 decades and still get away with it, it’s good that someone came up with the idea of a Ministry for Northern Kenya and other Arid Areas. These are arguably the most neglected in the country and the creation of a ministry for them at least shows that the leadership appreciates the need for some speedy reversal of this unfortunate situation.

But I don’t believe a government ministry is what the doctor ordered for Northern Kenya and other arid areas. If we look at it in terms of ministries then they should all go and camp there. For one a lot of Education is required to empower the locals to actively participate in the development of their own. There’s need for water technology and water harvesting for domestic and irrigation purposes, livestock management through building of abattoirs, introduction of farming of fruits, vegetables, medicinal and horticultural crops – there’s just too much. Maybe Najib Balala’s next challenge should be to have more tourists there in future if at all there are any now. And who knows the areas could produce some athletes and soccer stars if someone looked hard enough?

In short arid areas, as do many others in the country, have great potential and need special attention from nearly all the current ministries except the likes of Nairobi Metropolitan Development and East African Community among others. In any case, the current ministries are just a political arrangement that will mostly operate on a national level.

In my view a development body would fit the bill better. Like the Lake Basin Development Authority or Coast Development Authority. The authority can be funded by development partners without being bogged down by backward government bureaucracy and long procurement procedures. Of course the state also has a major role to play in additional funding and generally enabling the smooth running of the authority by ensuring security and providing incentives such as tax exemption on equipment. The authority should have a clear mandate and be able to approach and receive special attention from all ministers in government including the Prime Minister who promised a Livestock Insurance Policy during his campaigns.

This is not a call for Majimbo but these areas have a lot of sharp minds and by all means they should be left to manage such a body should it be formed. They’re very familiar with their problems and they know their terrain well. And since they grew up there, they’ll spend more time working other than whining about the tough climatic conditions.

Does Kenya Really Need Naomi Campbell?

Kenya has still got many friends and one great one is supermodel Naomi Campbell – the queen of rage who recently defied travel advisories in her country to come for her regular visit to Kenya. She has some good plans for the idyllic Kenyan Coastal Town that is Malindi. A Multibillion Dollar Resort, A Drug Rehabilitation Center and Promotion of Arts and Crafts to uplift the local youth - among other things.

We need all the good words and endorsements we can get especially for the tourism industry but not from the likes of Naomi. The girl is a convicted criminal for Pete’s sake! She has an assault rap sheet rivaling that of Lucy Kibaki. Infact Lucy pales in comparison because she does not spit on people. And she does not threaten to throw them out of moving cars. Naomi’s chronic abusive and violent conduct is mostly directed, but not restricted to her employees. Obviously the anger management course she was sentenced to in 2007 did not work. Her latest weapon of choice - other than branding policemen at the Heathrow Airport bloody fools and assholes - is Saliva. Who still spits on people? Her weird behavior has been attributed to lingering resentment towards her father for abandoning her as a child. Come on Naomi, this at 38 years of age?

The crazed and almost psychotic Naomi faces up to six months in jail if she is convicted of assaulting a police officer. I say she needs the time in jail ASAP. That will the best Anger Management Class for her.

The Comedy Show That Is Idols East Africa 2008

The Idols East Africa talent search show is in town – and what a show it is! It should have been dubbed the Stand Up Comedy Show. The phrase ‘all walks of life’ takes on a whole new meaning in IEA. They all gave it a shot, the good the bad and the downright wacky. And they all deserve Kudos for trying.

There were contestants and contestants. And then there was Samuel Njuguna. The guy walked in roofed in a long weird blond wig which badly needed some brushing. Says he sings in soprano and the wig would give him the much needed psychological boost to perform better. I wonder whether he carried it from home and wore it at the last minute, or he wore it at home and came to KICC looking like that.

Zadok was the undisputed king of Bravado. He breezed in and declared that he’s already a star. ‘yeah, me I’m already a star you know, I’m already a star’. He soon learned that too much attitude does not an idol make. He was kicked out by an all judge unanimous vote - just three words into his song. He was that bad.

Confidence oozing Maureen Otieno must have thought it was an ODM colour co-ordination show. She came in wearing orange shoes, orange belt, orange top and huge orange earrings. And some dark jeans. You’d be forgiven if you mistook her for an ODM youth-winger. For all her confidence she could not sing. But she had some sexy dance moves.

Top prize for the wackiest goes to one Kevin Munyi. He came in with an attitude straight from hell and got straight into the business of mocking the judges. Dude is in a singing audition yet he says he can’t sing! His mother is depressed and his father is broke. He was in the competition to change the world. Crazy chap. But behind all that attitude lies a very good guitar player. He strummed a fluent melody with the guitar placed behind his head. Kevin struck me as a disturbed young man who may need some psychological evaluation.

It’s sad that nearly all contestants in Nairobi performed so dismally. I believe many would have stood a better chance singing songs closer home. Not the likes of Manyake, Nyundo Yangu and I’m not sober, but surely there is a lot of good Kenyan Music to choose from? Eric Wainaina for example? Nyota Ndogo? Susan Owiyo? Achieng Obura? The youngsters mostly chose music from performers like Chris Brown, Alicia Keys, West Life and the train wreck that is Britney Spears. The only one who tried to get African sang some sort of traditional song which was an equally bad idea.

The IEA vibrato and falsetto judges are all guilty of copying to the very last full stop American Idol’s Simon Cowel, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson. In the AI set up Randy is the good old doug who gives the real picture, Paula is the sweet mama with compliments for everyone and anyone but mostly the cute boys, Simon is the brutally honest one who by the way happens to give some very concrete advise to those who care to listen. Angela Angwenyi and TK are not copying too badly but Scar is by far the worst copy cat. Ok he plays the Simon Cowel nasty judge role but that is no excuse for him to sit there and look so thoroughly bored - like someone forced him to be in the show. He forgets that Simon, as mean as he is, actually says something. Simon has a real eye for talent and predicts winners rather successfully. For example he predicted Fantasia Barrino’s win very early in the Season 3 competition.

He has predicted a win for 17 year old cutie pie David Archuleta. I couldn’t agree with him more. That boy is a sure winner.

Ethnic Balancing In The Workplace

A Kenyan complained in the Daily Nation recently that out of 421 short-listed applicants at the State Law Office, 124 (30%) were from the same community. We may not expect every office to accommodate every tribe but the arithmetic in this case is rather off kilter. If the 70% balance is to be shared by even a half of the other tribes, do the arithmetic and you’ll know why Kenyans are so bitter with one another. This situation is duplicated in many other instances. In the recent clandestine police recruitment that was later nullified, 80% of those accepted were from just 4 regions. Kenyans have no problem being from different tribes. They have a problem with inequality and such anomalies must be redressed if we are expected to live together as one happy family.

What Kenya needs is not war cries and machetes but civilized mechanisms to fight the tribalism monster. One idea would be the formation of a commission mandated to oversee balanced ethnic, age and gender diversity in employment, both in the public and private sectors. Career progression could also be thrown in the mix to curb discriminative promotions. The commission would have to be well legislated with a strong constitution, otherwise some elites might use it as an avenue to enrich themselves and incubate worse bitterness among wananchi. With a head office plus regional offices country wide, and a strong database, it should periodically monitor recruitment and dismissals. At any one time it should be able to avail to Kenyans a general report on the ethnic, age and gender balancing of workers in organizations like KRA, Treasury or Local Government for example. Needless to say, the commission must itself be a representative of all the ethnic groups in the country and be completely autonomous (free from politicians and other interested groups). It should also have some powers to name and shame as well as impose fines on employers who do not tow the line.

The commission would obviously have to take things gradually, starting with government and other public offices, and spreading to the private sector in the course of time. With time, it should have all major and not so major organizations in it’s database with the support of the law so that it remains in force even with change of governments. I’m not by any means suggesting firing and replacing of workers en-masse but I see no reason why it’s first job should not be to oversee a thorough audit of the ministries and then a balanced inter-ministerial reshuffling. There are some government offices where everyone is considered Tribe X and addressed in language X until proven otherwise.

It’s a behemoth task and a logistical nightmare, and I’ll be the first to admit that such a feat is not easy, but what is? A repeat of the recent fighting in future, albeit worse? Kenya does not lack for brilliant men and women who can run an organization of this kind. We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations. Kenya can choose either to use the opportunity to mend herself or bury her head in the sand and let things smooth themselves out. They’ve been smoothing themselves out since independence and see where we landed.

The benefits of such a move will obviously not be immediately felt. Rather we’ll be laying good groundwork for our future generations.

The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty.

Kenya's Natural Born Aeronautical Engineer

The story of Morris Tito Gachamba is fascinating and sad in equal measure. Born 75 years ago in Nyeri, he dropped out of school in Standard 3 because he could not cope with mathematics. That notwithstanding, Tito has attempted many engineering feats, the most outstanding being making his own airplane which he flew for 5 minutes before it crashed into a tree injuring him. For all his troubles, during Kenyatta’s rule he earned himself a stint in prison for trespassing Kenyan airspace, endangering his life and endangering the lives of others. Nobody saw the gold that lay in his contraption. That did not kill his dream though. He has since tried other engineering feats and his current dream is to make a glider. He has also made a tractor which he currently hires out to farmers in his village. Tito is not a rich man by any standards.

The sad bit is that Tito’s is a classic case of wasted talent. In different circumstances, the likes of Tito could have propelled Kenya into the world of aviation firsts. Or he could be relaxing in Seattle having just retired from Boeing. How much more of Kenyan talent is going to waste in the villages? How many Chinkororos and snuff sniffing Mungiki youths for example would have had a better life other than waiting for the whims of politicians? A lanky model can be spotted grazing cattle in the plains of Samburu and propelled to super stardom, but a much better approach for talents such as engineering would be a deliberate effort to look for them.

So Tusker Project Fame is looking for talented musicians, and somebody discovered Dennis Oliech. School Science Congresses have been around for as long as I can remember and are held year in year out. One would think the purpose of these congresses is to identify young Science talent for nurturing. But not in Kenya. Here, the kids, brilliant ideas and all, are sent back to school with a certificate or trophy to continue learning the History of Guatemala. And that is before computer errors mess up their KCSE results.

Do engineering companies send representatives to these Science Congresses? I think they should. Right down to the zonal level – up till the nationals. In fact they should form part of the adjudicating panel. They’re best placed to identify talent in the engineering field. They would know better which projects can be of commercial value so as to further patent and commercialize these innovations on behalf of the kids. They have the ability to then support the kids financially and intellectually and before we know it, Kenya will be on the engineering map. Of course these companies would have to work hand in hand with the government so that gifted kids can be exempted from the normal education system and still be able to work in Kenya. And Noah Wekesa (Minister for Science and Technology) I don’t mean taking them to the village polytechnics.

The Real Face Of The IDP Problem In Kenya

Last night I went to bed a very sad woman after watching a special presentation on IDPs on TV. I won’t say I was shocked at the fact that there are IDPs in Kenya, but I will say I was disturbed at the stories they had to tell. For the most part we talk of them as a group. As the aftermath of a bungled election. It’s when their personal stories are brought to the fore that it really hits home. Kenyans are suffering big time. Their tired haunted faces are evidence of the trauma they have gone through after voting for leaders who are now too warped in power games to engage in any thoughtful reflection of their plight. The heavens have finally opened and the camps are cold, wet and damp. The ladies are lacking the much needed privacy that every woman needs sometimes. And let’s not forget the couples who crave a few moments of privacy for obvious reasons. This crucial God given part of their lives is virtually no more – at least for now. And as if that is not enough, in some camps the dark cloud of possible forceful eviction hangs over their heads every time of day.

Teresiah Wairimu had managed to rebuild her life in Burnt forest after her property was destroyed in the 1992 tribal clashes. Now she’s living in Kirathimo camp in Limuru and has lost track of her daughter and 2 grand children. She remembers painfully her house, sheep, cattle and all the other farming activities she undertook and that meant so much to her. She doubts that she can go back to Burnt Forest to risk a third round.

Kioko grew up in Mathare and knows no other home. He was the breadwinner and used to pay rent for his mother and school fees for his younger sister. During the post election violence, everything he owned was destroyed and his one hand was chopped off. His mother and sister now live in an IDP camp and the hitherto able bodied and hard working young man now looks up to friends for shelter and upkeep.

There was a lady whose name I didn’t quite get. She had built a life for herself and her children in Naivasha. After the violence she went back to her ancestral home in Siaya. She cannot go back to Naivasha since everything she owned was burned to the ground. She recently lost her last born daughter to pneumonia. She and the rest of her children are unwell too.

This is not to take you on a guilt trip for having 3 square meals a day and sleeping on a comfortable bed, but rather to highlight the suffering that our fellow Kenyans are going through. The hope they felt when the peace deal was signed on February, 28^th is turning into frustration as it slowly hits home that the deal was about political maneuvering and lust for power and money. The possibility of going back home further dwindled with reports that leaflets are already circulating in some areas warning them against it. As Chris says, some of the farms already have new owners as witnessed by the young boy who sneaked out of a camp in Eldoret to go and fetch his beloved bicycle. Their worst fear is that in the new found peace, the momentum will slow and they’ll be forgotten as soon as they’re given iron sheets and nails.

It is not all doom and gloom though. Some people have gone back to their homes to start rebuilding afresh. Artists in Kibera are using their painting talents to preach messages of peace, love and brotherhood. Nakuru residents declared that they’re ready to accommodate everyone regardless of tribe, and help them rebuild their lives. There are individuals like Mary Chepkwony, popularly known as Mama Amani in her area, who along with fellow women is spearheading peace and reconciliation initiatives her own small way. Thousands more Kenyans are making small efforts. Anything anyone does will not be in vain. It will all add up to the bigger picture.

The Red Cross and other groups can only do so much. We need to keep the accelerator jammed to the floor and step up the pressure on the government until the very last one of them is resettled. As much as patience is also a form of action, it can only stretch so far.

Keeping Hope Alive in Kenya

Susan Akinyi is not an IDP but her story is equally heartrending. She sat her KCPE exams last year and scored 204 out of a possible 500 marks. Susan’s parents are poor and jobless and she was looking upon her 2 brothers to pay her school fees. Both of them were killed during the post election violence.

A sympathetic auntie however took her in and enrolled her in a local boarding High School. Just when she thought life was finally on the smooth path, her auntie passed away and her education was disrupted once again. Before her Auntie was even buried, her dormitory in school caught fire and she lost everything. Just how much can one girl take?

Her case reminds me of a story I watched on CNN not too long ago. 25 year old Peter Kithene was orphaned at 12 years of age. In the course of his short life, he has also lost six of his nine siblings. After the death of his parents, he went to live with his grandmother who was so poor that they went hungry on most days. As you can imagine, his motivation to carry on schooling was next to zero. But Peter had a dream. He soldiered on and after primary school he was accepted at Starehe Boys Center from where he joined University of Washington.

He now runs Mama Maria Clinic in Muhuru Bay in Nyanza Province which he founded to help the poor in his village access medical help. He won the prestigious CNN Heroes Competition - Medical Marvel Category. His story is such an inspiration and my prayer is that Susan Akinyi and many more Kenyans is situations such as hers will not give up hope. One day the sun will shine in their lives.

The Real Face Of The IDP Problem In Kenya

Last night I went to bed a very sad woman after watching a special presentation on IDPs on TV. I won’t say I was shocked at the fact that there are IDPs in Kenya, but I will say I was disturbed at the stories they had to tell. For the most part we talk of them as a group. As the aftermath of a bungled election. It’s when their personal stories are brought to the fore that it really hits home. Kenyans are suffering big time. Their tired haunted faces are evidence of the trauma they have gone through after voting for leaders who are now too warped in power games to engage in any thoughtful reflection of their plight. The heavens have finally opened and the camps are cold, wet and damp. The ladies are lacking the much needed privacy that every woman needs sometimes. And let’s not forget the couples who crave a few moments of privacy for obvious reasons. This crucial God given part of their lives is virtually no more – at least for now. And as if that is not enough, in some camps the dark cloud of possible forceful eviction hangs over their heads every time of day.

Teresiah Wairimu had managed to rebuild her life in Burnt forest after her property was destroyed in the 1992 tribal clashes. Now she’s living in Kirathimo camp in Limuru and has lost track of her daughter and 2 grand children. She remembers painfully her house, sheep, cattle and all the other farming activities she undertook and that meant so much to her. She doubts that she can go back to Burnt Forest to risk a third round.

Kioko grew up in Mathare and knows no other home. He was the breadwinner and used to pay rent for his mother and school fees for his younger sister. During the post election violence, everything he owned was destroyed and his one hand was chopped off. His mother and sister now live in an IDP camp and the hitherto able bodied and hard working young man now looks up to friends for shelter and upkeep.

There was a lady whose name I didn’t quite get. She had built a life for herself and her children in Naivasha. After the violence she went back to her ancestral home in Siaya. She cannot go back to Naivasha since everything she owned was burned to the ground. She recently lost her last born daughter to pneumonia. She and the rest of her children are unwell too.

This is not to take you on a guilt trip for having 3 square meals a day and sleeping on a comfortable bed, but rather to highlight the suffering that our fellow Kenyans are going through. The hope they felt when the peace deal was signed on February, 28^th is turning into frustration as it slowly hits home that the deal was about political maneuvering and lust for power and money. The possibility of going back home further dwindled with reports that leaflets are already circulating in some areas warning them against it. As Chris says, some of the farms already have new owners as witnessed by the young boy who sneaked out of a camp in Eldoret to go and fetch his beloved bicycle. Their worst fear is that in the new found peace, the momentum will slow and they’ll be forgotten as soon as they’re given iron sheets and nails.

It is not all doom and gloom though. Some people have gone back to their homes to start rebuilding afresh. Artists in Kibera are using their painting talents to preach messages of peace, love and brotherhood. Nakuru residents declared that they’re ready to accommodate everyone regardless of tribe, and help them rebuild their lives. There are individuals like Mary Chepkwony, popularly known as Mama Amani in her area, who along with fellow women is spearheading peace and reconciliation initiatives her own small way. Thousands more Kenyans are making small efforts. Anything anyone does will not be in vain. It will all add up to the bigger picture.

The Red Cross and other groups can only do so much. We need to keep the accelerator jammed to the floor and step up the pressure on the government until the very last one of them is resettled. As much as patience is also a form of action, it can only stretch so far.